And I love it.
Interestingly, I have big hope when I see no future apparently. At that time I have nothing but I have nothing to worry about too. It means I have fewer responsibilities for things I am accounted for. No one counts on me that much. No expectation means I can do a lot of things that I love to do with no need for must-have KPIs.
These days I have a mindset issue. I am sensitive to correctness, feedback, and debation. I am worried to be the wrong person in the room, the worst case is I am the only wrong one. I don’t like it at all. I think this issue origins from past experiences when I solved a maths problem, my expectation was it always had to be correct absolutely. It would be very bad if the solution was wrong and another student could come to solve it right. It would be a big shame for me. So my response for those situations (when someone intends to correct me or just debate some points) is that I am kind of blocking them first or not receive the conversation truly openly. I see them as enemies, not friends or family, or teammates. It is an act of self-protection.
How to fix it?
I don’t know it yet. It will be a question of the month for me to find an answer. The first step, I need to control my emotion first by keeping calm, slowing down, listening, thinking, and being quiet.
So the fish tank can help a bit :)
SSR, 4 July 2021.
